I can't believe I even came here
Shoulda stayed home in my coffin like last year
Halloween ain't what it used to be
The only scary one at this party is me

Even though my vampire outfit is sick
Somehow I'm the one that looks like a dick
There's like 3 Donald Trumps and a Kylo Ren,
Episode 7 isn’t even out yet (damn)
I see a couple dressed as Caitlyn and Bruce
Yo, dick, that's offensive, there's no excuse
For going to a party on the Day of the Dead
As that dentist showin' off that lion head

Fuck all these costume puns
Bill Nye the Science Guy Fieri? Good one
Yo, that's just my opinion
Wait, who that sexy bitch dressed like a Minion?
She look pretty stupid texting on her Droid phone
drinking triple sec and she all alone
I want some, so I take a step to her
She pulls out a taser--wait what are you gonna do with that taser?!?!

I can't believe I just got tasered (fuck!)
Shoulda stayed home, wouldn’t be getting tasered
(Jesus Christ, I'm sorry! Fuck!)
Halloween ain't what it used to be
(Why the fuck did I come to this fucking party?! Jesus Christ!)
The only scary one at this party is the chick with the taser and me
(It's cool, it's cool, it's cool)

She ask me, “What you even wearing, dude?”
I’m like, “obviously, I’m Dracula"
“Fuck you,” she says. “Steve! Can you come here?"
Then her boyfriend walks up. He’s dressed as Jared, the guy from Subway

I’m like, “Dude, that’s really not cool.”
Dude’s like, "Yeah, it is, who the fuck are you?"
I’m fucking Dracula, what the fuck you think?
Fuck all this noise, all I want is a drink!

So I ask the girl if I can have a drink
Girl like, "It’s a free country, dafuq you think?"
And so I bare my teeth, then I bite her neck
Bitch start screaming, dies pretty quick, but gets one last tase in
I can’t believe I even came here
(Goddammit!)

This party sucks, I keep geting tased here
I’m a real vampire, how come that tase hurt?
Did she soak that shit in holy water before she came here?
(I don't like holy water!)
Ah fuck! I can’t believe I even came here

I can't believe I even came here
Shoulda stayed home, ordered in and watched Top Gear
(That's what I shoulda done)
Halloween ain't what it used to be
The only scary one at this party is me
The only scary one at this party is me
The only scary one at this party is me